When you live in one of the most politically conservative states in the nation that also has a high population of evangelical Christians,
being a secular homeschooler isn’t always a walk in the park. It can
feel downright impossible to open your mouth and say that you haven’t
darkened a church door in years. It can be equally difficult to say
that you’re teaching your children evolution or that you deliberately
avoid religious materials in your home school.
So what do you do? Is it possible to come out of the secular closet and still have friends?
To be perfectly frank, sometimes it isn’t. There are always going to be folks who discover your "true identity," no matter how open you’ve always been about it, and want nothing to do with you or your children. That hurts. It does. It hurts particularly when the kids don’t understand what they’ve done wrong, because they haven’t done anything wrong – you just aren’t “like-minded.” (I hate that phrase, by the way – why do people want to surround themselves with others of identical philosophy? How do you expand your brain without intelligent debate?)
In small communities especially, it can be easier to keep your mouth shut and just let people assume they have you pegged. After all, to most folks, homeschooler equals religious. But that’s uncomfortable, too, because how do you teach your kids to be true to themselves if they’re constantly hiding things? Plus, the truth almost always comes out and you wind up back at square one, anyway.
Personally, I’m of the view that telling people you’re secular in your school (and/or life) approach is like ripping off a Band-Aid. Do it right away. Get it over with. Obviously you shouldn’t walk up to someone and say, “Hi, I’m Harriet Homeschooler. We’re here, we’re secular, and you have to live with that.” But in many first conversations with other homeschoolers, I often get asked, “So what curriculum do you use?” That, to me, is an opening. I can mention our approach without being confrontational. Usually it ends well for me. I realize I’m fortunate and your mileage may vary. Still, if I didn’t put myself out there, I wouldn’t have been able to find the other secular and secular-tolerant homeschoolers I’ve met.
Do I wish it was easier to be a secular homeschooler? Sure. But I can’t apologize for who I am, and I won’t try. I can only be myself, be tolerant of others (including the overtly religious homeschoolers, because if they’re nice to me, surely I can be nice back), and hold my head high. I’m teaching my children not to apologize for their beliefs but to respect others’ beliefs at the same time, and no matter how rough the political or religious terrain, that’s never something to hide.
Do you tell others about your secular choices? Leave a comment and share your words of experience and wisdom!
Sarah
Blomfield has been a stay- and/or work-at-home mom since 2002 and a home educator
since 2009. Sarah's favorite subjects are writing and history, but her
kids prefer science and math, which makes for an interesting
challenge. When she has a moment to herself, Sarah enjoys reading,
cooking, and gardening. She blogs her daily life at Our Sunnyview.
So what do you do? Is it possible to come out of the secular closet and still have friends?
To be perfectly frank, sometimes it isn’t. There are always going to be folks who discover your "true identity," no matter how open you’ve always been about it, and want nothing to do with you or your children. That hurts. It does. It hurts particularly when the kids don’t understand what they’ve done wrong, because they haven’t done anything wrong – you just aren’t “like-minded.” (I hate that phrase, by the way – why do people want to surround themselves with others of identical philosophy? How do you expand your brain without intelligent debate?)
In small communities especially, it can be easier to keep your mouth shut and just let people assume they have you pegged. After all, to most folks, homeschooler equals religious. But that’s uncomfortable, too, because how do you teach your kids to be true to themselves if they’re constantly hiding things? Plus, the truth almost always comes out and you wind up back at square one, anyway.
Personally, I’m of the view that telling people you’re secular in your school (and/or life) approach is like ripping off a Band-Aid. Do it right away. Get it over with. Obviously you shouldn’t walk up to someone and say, “Hi, I’m Harriet Homeschooler. We’re here, we’re secular, and you have to live with that.” But in many first conversations with other homeschoolers, I often get asked, “So what curriculum do you use?” That, to me, is an opening. I can mention our approach without being confrontational. Usually it ends well for me. I realize I’m fortunate and your mileage may vary. Still, if I didn’t put myself out there, I wouldn’t have been able to find the other secular and secular-tolerant homeschoolers I’ve met.
Do I wish it was easier to be a secular homeschooler? Sure. But I can’t apologize for who I am, and I won’t try. I can only be myself, be tolerant of others (including the overtly religious homeschoolers, because if they’re nice to me, surely I can be nice back), and hold my head high. I’m teaching my children not to apologize for their beliefs but to respect others’ beliefs at the same time, and no matter how rough the political or religious terrain, that’s never something to hide.
Do you tell others about your secular choices? Leave a comment and share your words of experience and wisdom!
Sarah
Blomfield has been a stay- and/or work-at-home mom since 2002 and a home educator
since 2009. Sarah's favorite subjects are writing and history, but her
kids prefer science and math, which makes for an interesting
challenge. When she has a moment to herself, Sarah enjoys reading,
cooking, and gardening. She blogs her daily life at Our Sunnyview.
I think the reason we tend to seek out like-minded people is that we're a generation of public school kids grown up. We're the product of forced "socialization" with people our own age, our own social standing, our own geographical area. We're used to people being the same as us. It takes work to get out of that habit. :)
ReplyDeleteAs a secular homeschooler in Tennessee, I empathize. We've been lucky that our religion (lack of) hasn't come up in conversation even once, but it's been nigh on impossible to find secular homeschool groups locally, and I won't sign a SoF just to join something close by.
ReplyDeleteIt does seem to me that our numbers are growing, however: something that makes me happy!